My entire life I’ve dreamed of having my own baby. I mean, let’s face it… who doesn’t?! You could sit here and try to convince me that you’ve never wanted children of your own… but maybe you’ve forgotten those days when you were 6 years old playing tea party in the living room while momma was in the kitchen cooking dinner for you and your imaginary friends! Or maybe you’ve forgotten that you couldn’t resist taking your eyes off of your younger cousin after being born. Innocence brings a certain type of blissful joy to the world. To have your own child is knowing that the power and energy of everything that you’ve ever been through in life has a complete purpose.
“When we are children we seldom think of the future. This innocence leaves us free to enjoy ourselves as few adults can. The day we fret about the future is the day we leave our childhood behind.”
― Patrick Rothfuss (
Eight years ago, at the prime age of 16 (after a trillion and one doctor visits) I was hit with the diagnosis of Premature Ovarian Failure (POF) aka Primary Ovarian Insufficiency (POI). I remember exiting the doctor’s office, with my mother and my brother who was around 10 years old at the time. My mom parked RIGHT around the corner, yet it had to be the longestttttttttt walk of my life going back to the car.
Sat down in the passenger seat with a hugeee gulp in my throat… tried so hard to get it out but it just won’t bulge. Why does that even happen by the way?! Like, WHAT is that feeling and whyyyyy does it happen? One of the worst feelings ever. My eyes were filled with absent tears. Lost in my broken dreams, I could hear my mom trying to ask if I was okay… I knew for a fact she wasn’t, but she tried her best to be.
I think it’s safe to say now that I was SO much stronger at 16 years old. Weird right? You’d think that time heals… but sometimes, depending on the situation, it could get worse – before getting better? Maybe… maybe not.
I’ve been through many specialists and exams after that. Ultrasounds, sonograms, bone density, blood tests, FSH levels, birth control, estrogen, calcium, all that jazz. I am not a medical student, so WebMD is my go-to! I google everything possible, especially when it comes to my health, which could either be good or bad.
Fast forward to 7 years later… Here I am! Just me and my non-productive ovaries. Writing a blog. Hoping for the absolute best. And I just have to deal with it because what’s meant to be will be. Right?! Right…